It is with great excitement and exuberance that we announce the publication of our brand new, one-of-a-kind, easy to use guide enabling everyone to help make a shidduch:

Shidduchim 101
You and everyone you know can learn how to help make a shidduch

Feedback on Shidduchim 101 has, so far, been extremely positive; people raved about the 44 clear, practical, and insightful Questions & Answers about matchmaking which comprise the main section of the book. 

In addition, Shidduchim 101 provides the reader with the ability to contact experienced Shadchanim for mentoring, Hilchos Lashon Hara as it pertains to Shidduchim, Tefilos for singles, forms to help the Shadchan gain a much deeper understanding of who the single really is, plus resources to help people ‘redd’ shidduchim-- these are just some of the ‘tools” included in this 200 page masterpiece written by Mrs. Shana Kramer. 

As Rabbi Paysach Krohn, in his Foreword to Shidduchim 101, writes:  (This is a) “helpful book that will serve as a guideline for all who wish to ‘redd’ shidduchim. Read this book, become inspired and get involved. If we make our ‘hishtadlus’, I am certain that Hashem will reciprocate.”

While we are not charging for this masterpiece, a contribution of $36 or above would be very much appreciated.

Introductory Pages:

Memorial . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iii
Haskamos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .iv
Overview . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .v
Contents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .vii
Author’s Tribute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .x
Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xii
Foreword by Rabbi Paysach J. Krohn . . . . . . . . . . .xvii
Preface by Jeff Cohn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xix
Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .xxiv

Chapter I: Getting Started

Question 1:How to begin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3
Question 2: Predicting a good shidduch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
Question 3: Finding singles . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8
Question 4: Resources . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Question 5:Questions to ask yourself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

Chapter II: Laying the Groundwork

Question 6:Basic information you need about a single . 17
Question 7:Before you suggest a shidduch . . . . . . . . . . 20
Question 8:Do you need to know both parties? . . . . . 24
Question 9:Where are the young men? . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Question 10:Advice for parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 28

Chapter III: Presenting Your
Suggested Shidduch

Question 11: Presenting to each side . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
Question 12: Positive descriptions . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
Question 13:Clarifying “financial support” . . . . . . . . . . 43
Question 14: “Selling” a shidduch . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
Question 15:Working with adult singles . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Question 16:Working with widowed or divorced people 50
Question 17: Incompatible shidduchim . . . . . . . . . . . . . 54

Chapter IV:ResearchingShidduchim

Question 18: Too much research or not enough . . . . . 59
Question 19: “Redd flags” and warning signs . . . . . . . . 62
Question 20: Responding to inquiries halachically . . . 66
Question 21: Information to have before answering . . 68
Question 22:Questions that are out of bounds . . . . . . 72
Question 23:Kohanim, Gerim, adoptees, etc… . . . . . . . 75
Question 24:Delaying offering information . . . . . . . . . . 77

Chapter V: Preparing for the
First Date

Question 25:Genetic issues and Dor Yeshorim . . . . . . 81
Question 26: Preparing young people for dating . . . . . 84
Question 26:Advice to young people . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87
Question 27:Advice: young men vs. young women . . 89
Question 28:Communicating with the Shadchan . . . . 93

Chapter VI: During Dating

Question 29: Portraying each party in the best light . . 99
Question 31: The “two-date minimum” . . . . . . . . . 102
Question 32:Acceptability of “double dating” . . 104
Question 33: Parents meet the girl . . . . . . . . . . . . . 106
Question 34: Serving as a go-between . . . . . . . . . . 108

Chapter VII:When it Starts to
Get Serious

Question 35:Getting serious too soon . . . . . . . . . . 113
Question 36:Dealing with “cold feet” . . . . . . . . . . 115
Question 37: Sharing shidduch information . . . . . 117

Chapter VIII: Ending a Relationship

Question 38: If one party wants to call if off . . . . . 121
Question 39: Providing reasons if a shidduch ends . 123

Chapter IX: Engagement and Beyond

Question 40:Engagement customs . . . . . . . . . . . . 127
Question 41: Staying on as a go-between . . . . . . . 129
Question 42:Advice after engagement . . . . . . . . . 130
Question 43:Other health issues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 132
Question 44:Accepting shadchones gelt . . . . . . . . 134
One last true story . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .136
Notes regarding older singles . . . . . . . . . . . . .137

Appendix A: Halachos of
Permissible Speech

“When Someone’s Life is in Your Hands”,
an essay outlining the Halachos of permissible
speech regarding shidduchim, reprinted from a
booklet published by the Chofetz Chaim Heritage
Foundation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 139

Appendix B:Tefillos

Special Tefillos for single men and women to
say when davening for their Zivug . . . . . . . . . 149

Appendix C: Shidduch
Information Sheet

One-page Shidduch Information Sheet (with
instructions) for singles to prepare, plus a filled-in
sample form to help them see how to create such a
document (see Question #6, page 17) . . . . . . . . . 157

Appendix D: Shadchan’s Profile
Questionnaire

Shadchan’s Detailed Profile Questionnaire
which you can use to learn as much as
possible about each person whom you are
trying to help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 158

Appendix E: Resources

Resources — Shidduch Organizations
and Shidduch Groups: Organizations
active in promoting shidduchim, including
shidduchim for special groups of people;
shidduch groups and meetings . . . . . . . . . . 165
Resources — Services to engage and
products to buy: Books, products,
professional dating coaches, etc… . . . . . . . . 171
Resources — List of Shadchan-to-Shadchan
Mentors: who have agreed to take inquiries
from less experienced people who seek
assistance from experienced Shadchanim . . 174

Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 177

Notes About Potential
Shidduchim

P.S. - Potential Shidduchim page for notes
about shidduchim ideas . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 182

17) *Are there certain types of people who shouldn’t be put together as a shidduch?

People with certain personality types are less likely to be happy if they are paired with mates whose needs and comfort levels clash with their own.  An example that comes to mind is someone who is quite neat and formal, and can only feel comfortable in a very orderly environment.  Putting that person together with someone who is spontaneous and casual - and not particularly concerned with tidiness, order or predictability - might be a recipe for constant friction.  Similarly, someone who enjoys splurging on luxuries might not be happy with someone who is extremely frugal and hates spending money.

On the other hand, we need to remember that there is some truth to the adage that opposites attract; we all have seen happy couples who have personalities and traits that complement, rather than mimic, each other.  They have learned to appreciate what makes each other special, and to create harmony from their distinctive melodies.  But such couples are conscious of their differences, and make the effort to meet each other halfway so that neither feels unhappy.

As you meet and talk to singles, try to find out if they have traits and needs that would best be met by similar traits in a spouse.  That will help you when choosing people that you might suggest as shidduch candidates.  Keep in mind that the most important things to look for in common are: life goals, outlooks, and hopes for the type of home they plan to build and the type of community they hope to join.  After that, compatible interests and personality traits can be considered.   Couples do not need to have the same hobbies or ideas about what to do with free time in order to be happy.  However they do need to want their spouse to be happy.

Be careful, however.  People often misjudge what is really important to others, and are quick to characterize them superficially.  Do not dismiss a shidduch idea because someone says to you, “Oh, I don’t see them together at all…they have such different personalities!”  The person who is talking may not have an accurate understanding of what really matters to those young people deep inside.  And sometimes a casual comment can be completely misconstrued…

True Story:  Naomi and Chaim were all set to have their first date.  Everything that Naomi’s parents were able to discover about Chaim sounded wonderful, and as a bonus, what they heard about his parents made them happy as well.  The Isaacs family seemed to be warm, fun-loving, and not overly concerned with materialism or making a fancy impression…just the perfect fit for their sunny-natured Naomi, who had practically no vanity, and little interest in what she wore.

So Naomi’s mother was a bit taken aback when the Shadchan called her to offer some confidential advice.  “I’m not sure what to make of this” she was told, “but Chaim’s mom mentioned to me that she hoped Naomi would wear an elegant, fashionable outfit on the date.”

Naomi’s mother began to have second thoughts.  Does my daughter really need to have a mother-in-law who is going to judge her based upon her presenting a fashionable appearance?  And how is it that Mrs. Isaacs suddenly cares so much about my daughter’s wardrobe, when everything we heard about her values seemed to imply the opposite?

Chaim was such a fabulous boy, however, that Naomi’s mother overcame her misgivings, and sent Naomi shopping with her fashion-savvy sisters to buy a lovely new outfit for the first date.  That date, and all their subsequent meetings, went beautifully; in a very short time the two sets of parents were happily planning Naomi and Chaim’s wedding. 

As things got friendlier, Naomi’s mother worked up the courage to ask Mrs. Isaacs about that strange phone call from the Shadchan.  It was clear that Naomi was prized as a daughter-in-law just as she was…no one seemed the slightest bit interested in whether or not she wore new or glamorous clothes. 

Upon hearing the question, Mrs. Isaacs burst out laughing, saying:  “I really, really wanted this shidduch to work, since everything we heard about your daughter sounded so perfect.  I didn’t care a bit about what Naomi wore!  I just thought that perhaps my Chaim, who always has a sharp crease in his trousers, and wears his hat just so, might notice and appreciate a girl who dressed well.”

P.S. Chaim still is careful about his appearance, but has relaxed a bit in that area.  Naomi has sharpened up her sense of style, because now she has someone for whom she enjoys dressing up.  Mrs. Isaacs still couldn’t care less—she’s just thrilled that the young couple is so happy together. And Naomi’s mother is deeply thankful that her needless worries didn’t interfere with the shidduch.

A word to the wise: be careful not to read too much into second-hand information.

The Make A Shidduch Foundation™, is a trade name of The Simcha Foundation
a 501( c ) 3 non-profit organization, whose mission is to give hope to the tens of thousands of Orthodox Jewish singles throughout the world, who are in search of their soul mates, by facilitating shidduchim in a dignified manner throughout the Shomer Shabbos community, offering innovative methods and thought provoking programs.